I hate the Eagles.
And you should too.
(Unless you live in Southeast Pennsylvania, or South Jersey.)
Everyone else should be rooting for the Kansas City Chiefs this Sunday.
Yes, I know their name is racist, and the tomahawk chop they do at Arrowhead Stadium is actually “super-racist.”
(Which is one step above regular racist.)
That people so brazenly mock Native Americans, a minority culture, much less one that occupied this continent before we took it and killed most of them, does not speak well of people in the great state of Missouri.
(Actually, it makes them look like a bunch of wankers.)
Still, I’m rooting for the Chiefs.
And you should to.
As a born-and-raised Jersey Boy, you might think it natural I became a Giants fan.
My father was a Giants fan. (That’s how it works.)
They were the big brother team in the greater NYC area, with the woebegone Jets the little brother green with envy.
I’ve watched the G-men win 4 Superbowls, (including one in person,) and Eli Manning will forever be the little brother who kicked Tom Brady’s ass.
TWICE!
Which makes Eli Manning a legend in New Jersey, where the Giants are based, live, and play.
They love him in North Jersey, anyway, but down South?
Not so much.
Because South Jersey is enemy territory.
They have funny accents down there, saying wudder, instead of water.
Who does that?
They allowed slavery in South Jersey, and think Wawa is bougie.
(It’s not the North.)
The tip of Cape May is nearly on a parallel with Virginia!
Had my parents raised me in Ocean County though, only 30 miles Down the Shore, (across the Toms-River-Mason-Dixon line,) I might have grown up rooting for the Phillies, Sixers, and Eagles.
(Pause.)
Sorry. Had to step away from the computer to vomit in the toilet.
An Eagles fan?
As if.
Let’s assume you don’t know Philly fans are famous for being “less-than-classy.”
(Yes, that’s a euphemism.)
They’ve thrown batteries from the stands at players on the field.
Or pelted Santa Claus with snowballs!
They ran Ben Simmons out of town for mental health issues, in 2021, as if being a cosmopolitan, liberal, East Coast city shouldn’t make that regressive thinking impossible.
Sure, I’m biased, because I hate the Eagles, and they have beaten the Giants A LOT in the last 25 years.
But they’ve only one 1 Superbowl.
Ever.
And then they fired the Coach who won it, after forcing him to bench Superbowl QB Jalen Hurts, in the second half of the final game of 2020, so the Washington Commanders would go to the playoffs, instead of the Giants.
(This happened. You can look it up.)
A few months later, they stole Heisman-Trophy-winning Wide Receiver DeVonta Smith from the Giants, in the 2021 NFL Draft, by trading with the dreaded Cowboys at the last second, taking him immediately before their New York rivals would have.
Dealing with the Cowboys to hurt the Giants?
Not classy, but not illegal.
Not cheating.
As opposed to how they got to the Super Bowl, when they played the San Francisco 49ers two weeks ago.
Some of it was cheating, some of it was dirty, and some of it was just plain hilarious.
Like I said: Fuck the Eagles.
First, Haason Reddick took out SF QB Brock Purdy, whom everyone in America loved, (except in South Jersey and SE PA,) by destroying his elbow on the first series of the game.
It was a clean hit, but he also attacked the elbow.
Any decent martial artist, (or football defensive lineman,) can tell you the elbow is a target.
Mess it up, and everything’s done.
So was it an accident, a violent tackle, or maybe deep in a player’s head, he knows the game is over if he takes the Queen right away?
(A gambit, if you will.)
Secondly, the Eagles scored a touchdown right after DeVonta Smith, (the same guy they stole from the Giants,) caught a crazy difficult pass.
Except he didn’t.
The ball hit the ground.
Eagles coach Nick Sirianni has apparently coached his players with a code word, according to the announcers, to get back to the line of scrimmage to start the next play quickly enough to avoid instant replay.
(When they know they call on the field was wrong, and it will be reversed upon viewing said replay.)
They scramble like hell to beat the video tape, and successfully utilized it here.
This is also known as cheating.
Lastly, and this was the funny one… at one point, the Eagles punter made a terrible punt.
Embarrassingly bad.
At once, on cue, all the Eagles players on the sideline pointed to a stadium cable, claiming the football had hit it, causing the ball to change trajectory.
The Eagles insisted, when something went wrong, that it wasn’t their fault, and begged the same instant replay officials (they’d just cheated) to find evidence the ball hit the wire.
Crybabies!
Still, the Eagles are stacked.
They’re really good.
Even Giants fans have been forced to admit this to their gloating, beard-encrusted-with-cheesesteak-bits Philly friends.
They have top-end talent at every position, and depth.
Howie Roseman, their Jewish GM, (whom I’ve noticed everyone calls “shrewd,”) did a great job.
But the Chiefs have Patrick Mahomes.
And he’s THAT good.
Not only is he physically gifted beyond belief, but everyone on the team says his superpower is that he’s wired differently.
He’s competitive, and able to rise to the challenge, like Michael Jordan.
Given that he also plays for a complete team, with lots of top talent, Pat Mahomes will be the difference maker.
His winning mentality shows, when it counts most.
As does his superhuman ability to block out pain, when he’s injured.
Most people can’t do that.
(Hell, if I have a pimple under my beard, I get grumpy.)
Mahomes wins games by sprinting to the sideline on a sprained ankle, at the last second.
A pure winner.
All things being equal, go with the Super-Duper-Star.
Superbowl Prediction:
Chiefs 34
Eagles 31
Sunshine and Olly 
Leave a comment