Karma’s a Bitch

by Jonathan Blaustein

Karma’s a bitch.

I know it.

You know it.

But a bitch isn’t necessarily a bad thing. (Even though it’s normally used as a pejorative term.)

First off, every child learns a bitch is a female dog.

Sunshine and Olly are bitches, and I love them.

The word bitch is pretty misogynistic, if you think about it.

It’s almost always used to describe a woman who exhibits masculine tendencies: strong, harsh, direct, decisive, opinionated, confident, aggressive.

Personally, I like to call people assholes, if they’re nasty.

Very occasionally, I’ll use the word bitch the other negative way: to describe a man as a weak person, like a snitch, or a punk.

Admitting that, though, maybe I’ll try to purge it from my vocabulary.

Because I don’t want to make Karma angry.


If you’re with me so far, I’m going to pivot.

(Because this is actually a sports post.)

This past weekend, Arsenal beat Aston Villa, in the English Premier League, and it was a pretty important result.

As Arsenal currently lead the league, but were just chased down by Manchester City, (a club owned by an Oil nation,) beating Villa was necessary to put a little breathing room back at the top.

And to break momentum, as the Gunners had already lost to City twice, recently, and been taken apart by Sean Dyche’s new-manager-bounce-masterclass for Everton a week or so before.

In case you’re wondering, when the meathead comes in, he only has one move.

He lines the team up against the wall, and then picks the biggest and strongest guys.

Big Sean then sends them out on the pitch, tells them to run around like berserkers, never quit, and kick the shit out of the other players.

Someone I know, (not naming names,) calls him “Big Dumb Ginger.”

(Literally, by kicking their ankles.)

Did it work against Arsenal?

Yes.

Yes it did.

Everton won fair and square.

As opposed to the next nut punch, when the VAR incorrectly allowed Brentford’s off-side goal to tie the match, 1-1, during the same run of games.

The PGMOL (the referee organization,) which is more obtuse than Josh Hawley, and famous for never apologizing…

Apologized, and demoted ref Lee Mason, who’d forgotten to draw the off-side line.

That cost Arsenal 2 points, and certainly made some folks, (including me,) have dark thoughts of corruption.

Meaning… that Villa game was the perfect time for a signature win.

And boy, did we get one.

Some regular people have heard of Emi Martinez.

He was the Argentina goalie, when they won the World Cup a couple of months ago.

That is massive global stardom, for a brief moment.

And good ol’ Emi used his 15 minutes to hump his new trophy.

Image courtesy of The Daily Beast

You read that right.

He also won an FA Cup for Arsenal’s manager, Mikel Arteta, and was then quickly sold from the team.

Regular fans had come to like him, after he replaced Bernd Leno, who’d been physically attacked by Brighton’s Neal Maupay, on the field.

Martinez won us a trophy!

He was big!

Given how quickly they got rid of him, and Arteta’s standards about personal character, it was clear they thought him a wanker.

So he badmouthed the club, again and again.

To anyone who’d listen.

Even as Arteta was proven to be a likable winner, with his team on a title-winning track, (maybe,) still, Emi ran his mouth.

And here he was, as the Villa goalie, playing for Unai Emery, the manager Arteta replaced at Arsenal.

Emery had been Martinez’s manager at Arsenal, and never played him.

Intrigue!

Arsenal fans hate Emery too, but more because he was feckless for us, and not because he’s an asshole.

More he’s a living Dad joke.

So how did Arsenal win?

By having a last minute goal, scored off the back of Emi Martinez’s head.

HIS HEAD!

First, the shot bounced out, then it hit his head, and he scored an own goal for Arsenal!

The game winner!

But there was still time for Villa to tie it again.

So Emi, against Emery’s wishes, went up field for a last-ditch corner kick attempt, allowing Gabriel Martinelli to score a counter-attacking goal into an empty net.

4-2 to the Arsenal!

And Emi is now a meme.

Again!

Forever!

Like I said, karma is a bitch.

But that’s a good thing.